Writing a memoir is not an act of war, but it can seem that way to our family. When our “truths” are other people’s “lies” that they need to believe, when the larger than life stories are skewed or downright wrong—some people look askance at any story that does not agree with their own version. Family members are like slices of a pie, seeing the center through a different lens. It’s a war when families fight over what “really” happened, and this can go on and on, for generations.
Memoirists wrestle with those inner voices, the inner critic, or are they the family voices who are whispering, or yelling:
• You’re writing a memoir! For heaven’s sake, why must you air the dirty family laundry?
• Why are you doing this to us?
• I thought you loved me!
• Your grandmother is going to roll over in her grave if you write that.
• Don’t you dare write any of that while we’re alive!
• You’re a liar!
• Who gave you the right to tell my story?
• We’re gonna sue you if you publish that!
• Secrets are kept for a reason. Don’t you rock the boat.
We can’t stand behind the fictional wall and say, “I made it all up. I know it seems like Aunt Rose and grandma, but really, it’s all fiction.” No, we can’t do that. We have to stand there raw and real, and claim we’re writing the truth to the best of our ability, your honor, as the court wearing its black robes begins to judge us at 9 AM while we are sitting down to write. And it stays there all day as the clocks tick and the dogs demand to be walked and the sun passes across the sky. Our ideas dissolve and we are consumed in guilt and doubt.
There are the “inner critic” the voices that just come and perch on our shoulder, but most of us have real people in our lives who get fidgety when they find out we’re writing about “their” family, even though they are also “our” family. And we might be writing about them. People get very antsy and nosy and worried when they have a writer in the family, especially a memoir writer, so for goodness sake if you hope to write your story, keep the fact that you’re writing a memoir to yourself! Unless your family lives next door, they won’t find out you wrote your first draft or your fifth one until you tell them. Keep your mouth shut. And write and write and write.
Write all those stories about your brother, your parents, your best friend, your first boyfriend, the kid who clocked you who later became a stockbroker. Write about the guy who took advantage of your innocence and use his real name. Write your anger and all the times you wanted to hit someone back but didn’t dare because they were grown-ups and it would only make things worse.
Find your voice, write it all out. Don’t hold back. Break out of your silence. Tell it like it was and if it was ugly, tell it true. It will hurt for a while, but then it will feel better. It has already been hurting you for too long, but now the word is in the writing and healing research that first you get all that stuff out and then you shape it and get it to make sense. That is if you want to write your truth, all the way, without fussing. Most of us think we need to be too polite, as if we are at a fancy tea, and write sweetly and not shock anyone, but that’s not what this is about. You have to shock to break out of the tiny closet where only what is approved of can be written. You have to write the ugly stuff, the blood, sweat and tears, and the beauty will then come more naturally, not wrapped in lace, but in authenticity. It will be real beauty, not something we have to fake to be “nice.”
In other words, Write Your Truth. Protect yourself from gawkers and naysayers. And find your tribe. Memoir writers do something brave every day—they claim their truth.
I say that if you are so in need of your family’s and friend’s approval that you cannot tell your truth, then you shouldn’t writing a bunch of lies as your memoir. I don’t see the point. For some people not to alienate their loved ones is all important, and I respect that, but then they shouldn’t write a memoir. Write a novel instead.
Memoirs were once called diaries…for a reason! A diary is written from ‘the self’s point of view’ and it was not, for the most part PUBLISHED and…it did NOT reflect actually factual happenings! Memoirs and diaries are PERSONAL REFLECTIONS OF WHAT HAPPENED.
Sure everyone has THEIR truth! But if one writes and publishes ‘the TRUTH’ and it ISN’T the truth…then it is LIBEL, plain and simple LIES and MISREPRESENTATIONS…and those hurt innocent people.
The laundry list, that is present here, isn’t the only list of the critical voice that may actually have a legitimate claim. Certain people write ‘memoirs’ for the sole purpose to specifically to hurt all those that are perceived to have harmed the writer…hence the need to write a ‘memoir’.
When a writer publishes a work that is non-fiction, a true story, they have a RESPONSIBILITY to make sure that it is TRUTHFUL. Lies and misrepresentations, from a writer’s memoir’s point of view, is a very dangerous under taking.
Myself, my children, my entire FAMILY has been the victim of a MEMOIR that was proven to be LIBELOUS and was pulled from publication by the publisher. Be careful…be very careful…what you put in print!
One should be careful when writing and publishing a “memoir” – especially when legal lines are crossed.
One book, Forbidden Family by Joan Wheeler crossed the line when blatant lies were told about me in it – which is called libel. I sent court documents to the publisher that proved that lies were told about me – and the book was pulled from publication.
Why don’t you ask yourself – WHY are you writing and publishing personal details about family members and others? To get back at them? For revenge? To trash them?
There’s nothing new in all that – author Stephen King (The Shining, Cujo) was bullied as a child. When he wrote his novels, he named some of his characters with the names of those who had bullied him – and they all died horrible deaths.
ps – I have a blog about the book that libeled me – I took every lie that Ms. Wheeler told about me – and set down the truth on my blog. Ms. Wheeler doesn’t like that – but I maintain the right to tell the truth about myself. That is my civil right – and my civil rights are non-negotiable.
A memoir is one person’s story. It is how she perceived the events and connections and interactions of her life. Ideally, it is not a grudge match or payback or a passive aggressive way of dealing with ones demons, but I suspect most fall a bit far from the ideal. A good memoir certainly must be that person’s truth, but that doesn’t mean it is THE TRUTH as everyone mentioned in the book experienced it. Writing and publishing a memoir that lets fly family secrets (juicy, obscene or merely private) isn’t for the faint of heart. The ones I like best are the ones that illuminate the truths of the writer with some mindfulness of (pointless) collateral damage.
Mary Bucklew said…
The ones I like best are the ones that illuminate the truths of the writer with some mindfulness of (pointless) collateral damage.
Gee…excuse me! Collateral damage!! It really is too bad that the book Forbidden Family was NOT read by many because NOT only were the entire birth and adoptive families vilified we were HELD HOSTAGE to the deranged writings of mad individual! Collateral damage!!! because she can WRITE doesn’t give her the RIGHT to destroy people’s reputations, people that had NOTHING to do with her ‘truth’! Give me a break! Think about it! Libel, slander, etc is NOT collateral damage…its TRUE DAMAGE of a kind that the current FAD of writing one’s ‘truth’ in a memoir without concern for the innocent people they malign. Read my blog and find out about the damage done to innocent family members.
Mary Bucklew
an interesting observation – but “collateral damage” – when you are talking about another human being?
I get what you are saying that a memoir is one person’s story, and how they perceive it – but all too often one person’s “perception” of another person’s motivations and feelings are WRONG.
And when that person’s misconceptions cross into the world of libel and slander – your idealistic view of “truth” goes out the window.
Even if doesn’t cross into the legal definitions – a human being is NOT ‘collateral damage.’
As I read through this I began to feel normal! I write all types of material. I wrote a seminar and use it to teach from. In fact I traveled to 2 countries with the material as I traveled and taught with translators. I write devotionals, instructional material etc. BUT when I sit down to work on the story of my life, what I read in this article happens.
Now I am ready to push through this with blood, sweat and tears. I am thinking I should try to enjoy it and see this writing as a gift.